I was talking to a wonderful and wise woman who has joined the Love Over Addiction program, and she was telling me a story about her husband who was lying to her about his drinking.
She walked in on him sitting in his office and sensed that he had been drinking again. She confronted him and he denied it. So she picked up the glass and said, “What is this?” He told her it was Coke and swore there wasn’t any alcohol in it.
She took a sip and said it tasted funny. But he kept saying it was just soda.
This loving and smart woman felt like she was going crazy because it didn’t taste like it was just soda. It didn’t look like just Coke. But he was looking her right in the eye swearing it was just soda.
So she took the drink and walked it over to her neighbor’s house and made him try it. He said, “Whatever that is, it’s not just soda.”
It’s ridiculous how this disease can make us feel like we’re going crazy when we try to call our partner out on a lie and they deny, deny, deny.
So what do you do the next time you’re convinced they’re lying that won’t make you feel like you’re going crazy?
It’s very simple and it’s something you can start to do immediately.
The next time you’re convinced the one you love is lying to you about anything (because addiction loves to try and get away with a LOT), you let them know this: you know the truth.
BUT, here’s the deal: you need to tell them this very calmly and in one or two sentences, and then you hang up, walk out of the room, disengage.
So in my friend’s situation, this is what she would do:
- She suspects that he’s drinking.
- She picks up the drink and tastes it.
- Alarm bells go off.
- She trusts her gut. She tells herself, “I’m a smart and intelligent woman and this disease is trying to trick me. But I will no longer be fooled. The scales have been removed from my eyes. My blinders are off. I am trusting myself again.”
- She will put the drink down and calmly say, “I know there is alcohol in this drink. You are not fooling me.”
- And then she will walk away. Don’t engage in an argument. Don’t wait for him to deny. He won’t tell you the truth. Stop the battle before it starts.
He is NOT going to say, “You’re right honey. That’s a drink and I was trying to trick you. I love you so much. Please forgive me and wait right here while I throw it out.”
We both know that won’t happen so don’t expect it.
You know it’s a drink. I know it’s a drink. Your partner knows it’s a drink. Accept that you are with someone who drinks or uses drugs. For today, you’re choosing to stay with him or her. Tomorrow might be different, though, and you reserve the right to change your mind.
When you try to prove they are drinking or using, you’re attempting to control or admit they have a problem. Stop. Take a deep breath and remember you ARE in control – over yourself and your reaction. And you can go about your day with or without him or her now that you know the truth.
If you haven’t joined us in one of our programs and you want to find answers, hope, and happiness, what are you waiting for? Click here to check out the details. Our programs are offered for just $25 a month. If your partner is spending money on their bad habits, making an investment in your family’s future is a more valuable choice, don’t you think?