3 Biggest Lies While Loving an Alcoholic or Substance Abuser

3 Biggest Lies While Loving an Alcoholic or Substance Abuser

We believe in being honest and telling loving truths in this community. And one of those loving truths is that addiction lies to us. Addiction loves to lie because it’s the only way the disease can thrive. This disease has no shame either. It will lie straight to your face and use the one you love most to get the biggest impact.

Listen to the podcast episode here:

Read the transcript and find more details here:

Here are three of the biggest lies to look for when you love someone suffering from any kind of addiction:

Lie #1: It is my fault they drink too much.

It was much easier to blame myself for my now ex-husband’s drinking issues than to think he was out of control. I was willing to take the blame. To own the responsibility. It was my fault. Somehow, some way… I caused this to happen.

What a scam. What a big fat lie this disease tries to make you believe.

Are you taking the blame for your loved one’s addiction? Are you owning your partner’s baggage?

You can’t do that. You’ve got to let it go. Because last time I checked, you weren’t holding a bottle up to your loved one’s mouth. You weren’t the one buying drugs or suggesting they go out to party.

Your reactions to your partner’s disease are not the reason they turn to the bottle, drugs or pornography (or whatever their substances of choice may be).

Trying harder, looking for the secret formula, or fixing is not going to make a difference. Spinning your wheels into exhaustion can only lead to resentment and anger.

Next time your partner drinks, uses, or turns to their bad habits, please remember that it’s not your fault. You can even tell yourself that in your head. Or go into the bathroom or somewhere private and say it out loud.

Here’s the second lie we commonly believe:

Lie #2: If they love me (and the kids) enough, they’ll stop using.

You might think that if your loved one chooses the bottle over you, that means they don’t love you. You might be feeling lost and confused. And frankly, sick of all the excuses.

You may have spent so much time trying to convince your partner that they need help because you need them to get better.

If you just tried harder at pleasing them, if you acted happier, or if you were a better partner, they’d be able to walk away from the drugs, alcohol, or whatever substances they choose.

These are, again, such lies. You’re a smart woman, and I know you understand what I’m saying. When we love someone suffering from addiction, our views and thoughts can become clouded. Please don’t fall for it.

Here’s the third lie:

My partner will quit if I [insert idea here]

…beg, yell, shame, plead, threaten to leave, lose weight, tell their family, earn more money, stop talking to them, move to another location, look prettier or whatever you need to fill in the blank with. Any idea you’ve had that would “work”, you can fill in here. Because, let’s be honest. We’ve all had this thought, right?

Nothing you do causes your partner to use their substance(s) of choice. And here’s the loving truth: nothing you do will cause your partner to stop. It’s just that simple.

I held onto these lies for years. Guarded them with my life. But now I understand that they are not true.

Michelle Anderson

Michelle Anderson

Michelle Anderson has over 10 years of personal experience with loving someone who suffers from addiction. She was married to a good man who suffered from addiction to alcohol, illegal drugs, and pornography. She's used her experience to create powerful resources for women in the same circumstance. Using her own personal experience, combined with years of research and studying, she presents ideas, tips, and tools on how to handle this disease, and take care of yourself, and your family.

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