Find Answers When There’s Something To Prove
Find Answers When There’s Something To Prove
Today we’re going to talk about finding what you need. We’re going to explore our relationships when there’s something to prove and finding the answers you’ve been looking for – no matter where you’re at in your relationship with a good person suffering from addiction. In the last few weeks we’ve talked about finding compassion, the five stages to feeling better, and today is all about you.
Listen to the podcast episode here:
Read the transcript + find more details below
I’m reading this book called Maybe You Should Talk To Someone, and today we’re going to dial in on just one simple story shared from this book, and how it can relate to you, and our community who love someone suffering from addiction.
In the book she describes a patient she has who’s in an unhealthy relationship, but she won’t leave.
She’s in an unhealthy relationship, won’t leave, and she’s looking for answers.
There’s some level of her that wants to prove to him that she’s worth it. That she deserves to be treated better.
But here’s the thing: she’s never going to prove that to him. She won’t stop trying though.
Now, the book goes on to say that breakups are awful. But if we don’t break up, then we are negligent.
This reminded me of our community, not that we all need to leave our relationships, because that’s not true for everyone. But instead, the desire to prove that we’re worth it. We’re worth getting sober. We’re deserving of a healthy relationship, and sometimes, we take that on as our job to prove it to our loved ones.
I was listening to a podcast this week and it was a true story about a woman who was married to a man who was abusive.
And she said that her biggest weakness, her biggest mistake was that when he would yell at her, she would fight back.
One of her biggest mistakes was fighting back.
And I thought that was interesting because I remember fighting back so many times. I always assumed that I was fighting because I was being an advocate for myself.
That I was sticking up for myself. Someone was trying to put me down and I was defending my morals, my values, or my personality.
But this quote in this book made me reconsider that.
It made me think of myself, when I was married to my ex-husband. And maybe it was me trying to prove to my ex-husband that I was worth it. That he was wrong, that the awful names that he was calling me or the accusations that he would accuse me of being crazy, being dramatic, overreacting, or never being able to relax.
Maybe instead of defending myself when I was fighting back, I was actually trying to prove him wrong. I was worth it. I was right. He was wrong.
Maybe I was trying to prove him wrong.
And so here’s my question to you today: Do you find yourself in a similar situation where you’re looking outside of yourself to prove that you have worth? To prove that you actually are good, to try and convince somebody that you’re deserving of love and attention?
That you are deserving of honesty, of someone getting sober for you, of someone caring deeply about you to the point that they would do anything for you. Including showing up at home on time, helping out around the house, and not looking at other women or other men in a lustful way.
Not logging onto the computer and looking at pornography, but rather looking towards you. Caring so much about you, about your heart and your feelings and what you’re going through that they are so in touch with who you are and your struggles and your worries and your concerns that they are willing to listen and to stand by you and support you.
What if you stopped trying to prove that you deserve that?
And instead of looking outside of yourself for that, you gave it to yourself?
You start slowly but consistently with positive self-talk.
I use it to this very day and it has saved me instead of arguing out loud. Instead of being confrontational, instead of pointing out how somebody could be wrong. Or if they are disappointing you or hurting you.
What if you walked away and you literally had the conversation to yourself first?
Imagine this: Go into your closest or safe space, shut the door, and have a conversation with yourself. Say, “You know what, I am okay. I am a great partner to be with, I am funny, I am kind. I’m loving and I don’t need to prove or convince anyone of these things. I know they are true. I’m giving myself permission to feel okay and not look to a sick person to assure me of these things.”
So you’re not looking outside of yourself.
You’re relying on the truths that you know within.
Make a commitment that you won’t look to outside people, especially people suffering from addiction for those truths. Look within. Go deep. Find your own truth. And tell yourself those truths.
There’s no need to fight back. It doesn’t work. It causes drama.
Here’s the loving truth: You’re never going to prove your self-worth to somebody else who doesn’t have any themselves.
It doesn’t work that way. No matter how hard you yell, no matter how convincing you are, it won’t matter. They don’t love themselves. So how could they possibly have love to give and show you?
Now, let’s be clear, I’m not saying they can’t change and get sober.
They do have that potential. If they recover and they work on their healing, then yes, you have the potential of getting the love that you want from the person you are in love with. But until that happens and even if you are in a relationship with a healthy being, it’s still a great life skill to stop proving to everyone in your life your worth; to stop proving to your parents or your friends or other family members.
Let’s just hang up that role and start loving ourselves enough where we stop looking outside of ourselves for acceptance.
I hope that this has helped you today. I hope that you take some time to just be peaceful, to sit still, to get quiet, to breathe, to remember that you are going to get through this. That your life is going to be okay. Everything’s going to be okay.
And most importantly, to break the habit of turning to your partner who is ill and to quit trying to make them make you feel better and instead make yourself feel better.
It’s time. You’re old enough. You’ve spent too long in your life, feeling empty, waiting for that person to come into your life to fix you, to make you feel whole, to make you feel complete, to make you feel at home. That person is you.
You have been your answer the entire time.
Michelle Anderson has over 10 years of personal experience with loving someone who suffers from addiction. She was married to a good man who suffered from addiction to alcohol, illegal drugs, and pornography. She's used her experience to create powerful resources for women in the same circumstance. Using her own personal experience, combined with years of research and studying, she presents ideas, tips, and tools on how to handle this disease, and take care of yourself, and your family.
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